Ambud Stumbles on the Path

PartII

I am Sage?

People begin meditation and change religions or philosophies for many different reasons. Often, these changes are a result of some event or series of events which trigger a need to find something more. I’m no different in that regard, and while I had my earliest exposure to meditation and Buddhism years prior , several major changes in my life increased my dedication to practice during the time that this article refers to.

In the last part of this series I was describing how my first meditation had progressed and how I was beginning to see some benefit from my new found obsession. I’m sure that ‘obsession’ might seem like a strange word here, but that really is, what it was. I had fallen into my first ‘pit’; attachment to meditation itself.

My meditation sessions became an hour in length every morning, and if my evening had any free time, I would meditate then as well.
I started my meditations by watching my breath, and not watching like I did when I first started; my focus was intense, I noticed the length, moisture, and temperature of my in-breath and out-breath. I could maintain awareness of the in and out flow of air through my nostrils almost effortlessly. Within minutes, I would enter my favorite state,  where I could see swirling patterns of light in my mind and recursive thought seemed to disappear. Energy vibrated throughout my body and my heart was filled with joy.
Sessions flew by as my mind embraced this union with the universe and any connection to conventional reality disappeared. Before I knew it, my mind-clock was going off, letting me know that my hour had expired and reluctantly, I would begin to bring myself back .

I would continue to feel the lingering peace and joy for up to an hour after meditation. But I always came back down , my drug wore off very quickly, and it wasn’t long before I was ‘Jonesing’ for another dose.

I don’t recall how long my meditation remained this way, but I embraced it wholeheartedly and started thinking that I must be experiencing Nirvana; I didn’t know anybody who had experienced this before. I was convinced that somehow I was one of those chosen few who would achieve nearly spontaneous enlightenment.
There was even a period during this time where I actually felt like I was somehow disconnected from my body, it was like I was some energy-consciousness thingy that hovered above myself and observed as I went about my regular daily activities.

I started to come back to reality when it occurred to me; with the help of some friends , that if I was so enlightened, such a sage, then why was I still miserable when I wasn’t meditating, why did I still get caught up in so much anger and pain.

Damn, false alarm, call off the festivities, no Buddha here, just Ambud stumbling on the path AGAIN.

Ambud

Ambud Stumbles on the Path

Part I

My first meditation.

During my first mediation I can remember struggling over how to sit, painfully attempting to position these two logs I like to refer to as legs, into a lotus position. Ok, now lets see, oh yeah, breathe in two..three..four, breathe out. Damn my legs hurt; I wonder if it’s supposed to hurt like this, what kind of Masochists really sit like this. Oh yeah…breathe in two, three, four.

Fortunately for me, it wasn’t a long session, about five minutes. Just long enough so that I couldn’t wake my legs up when I was finished. I’ve often heard that there is no such thing as a bad meditation and I suppose that is true, but my first time was definitely unpleasant.

I’m not sure what made me decide to continue, but I did. I stopped trying to sit lotus, sorry folks, just doesn’t work for me. I did try to follow some proper posture suggestions that I had read, but I was definitely done with lotus.

After my initial fumbling, I became a diligent student, attempting to meditate everyday. I probably managed five sessions of ten minutes per week. I was pretty proud of the commitment I made to my practice, and I was beginning to see just how distracted my mind was. It became obvious to me that I was constantly bringing myself home from the long train ride to ‘never-never land’. I think the returning back to my breathing helped with my realization that my ego was making me jump the train. Every thought I had seemed so important that I had to follow it.

Months went by as I watched my mind helplessly embroiled in the unfolding drama of ‘nothing important’. Finally, I began to notice changes in my daily life. These changes were very subtle, for example; occasionally, I would actually be present enough to notice that I was one of those people who, when engaged in conversation, was actually just waiting their turn to speak. Eventually, this awareness transformed into action and I improved on my communication with others.

The changes I noticed in meditation were less subtle. I was able to keep my focus for longer periods than before and my “mad monkey” mind was definitely slowing down.

This new found success, gave me more confidence when I wasn’t meditating and began to change the course of my life.

I wish I could tell you that six months later I achieved enlightenment and joined the great Buddha’s in the sky, but alas, it’s nearly two decades later and I’m still a mere mortal stumbling on the path.

Ambud

Right livelihood means that one should earn one’s living in a righteous way and that wealth should be gained legally and peacefully.

Technology is defined by Webster as:

‘The branch of knowledge that deals with the creation and use of technical means and their interrelation with life, society, and the environment, drawing upon such subjects as industrial arts, engineering, applied science, and pure science.’

And Buddhism, well, we all know what that is.

The question is can the three exist peacefully together, can a Buddhist Technician practice right Livelihood.

I’m sure that this might seem a little absurd at first glance, but bear with me.

Let’s take an information technician for example, how would you describe his job function?

A very basic job description for an information technician in manufacturing might be:

Analyze current workflow and processes and engineer new solutions to help ‘streamline’ the manufacturing process.

In this context, ‘streamline’ might seem benign, if you were an employee working for this particular manufacturer, I’m sure you would soon realize that there is nothing benign about it. Eventually, the streamlining of the process will result in higher efficiency and job loss.

There are plenty of arguments for technology; it makes our lives easier, better, safer, etc,

But if you spend years of your life helping large companies streamline, reorganize, and restructure and the net result is job loss through elimination and outsourcing, are you practicing right Livelihood?

I would say no. When I began my career as a computer programmer back in the 80’s, I could have pleaded ignorance to my responsibility in ‘streamlining’ processes. As the years went by and countless “resources” were eliminated as a result of the systems I installed, my innocence was lost.

I’ve discussed these thoughts with others in my profession, largely, the result of those conversations were rationalizations like:

‘Most of the people I’ve talked to went on to better jobs after they were laid off, it all works out for the best.’ And

‘Many of the people that work here should be retired by now anyway, they’ll get a nice severance package’.

Sounds pretty awful I know, but life is not without a sense of irony, most of my colleagues no longer work as information technicians. It seems that once all the processes were streamlined, and the efficiencies were made there was no longer need for the ‘Streamliners’. I wonder if they still think ‘it all works out for the best’.

As for me, I don’t work for large companies anymore, but I am still involved in technology. I am careful now, how I wield my pen…or keyboard as it were, and strategically leverage technology with wisdom.

What the heck does that mean? I work as an independent contractor now, and mostly with small companies who really are just looking to make processes better or to increase sales, etc.

This article may have gotten a bit narrow, but there are plenty of other areas of technology where we can apply this logic.

If we look at environmental technologies, which often involve things like drilling for oil, we can easily make a leap to how persons involved in this industry might question ‘right Livelihood’ as well. And while the intent of this article certainly isn’t to cast stones, I do think it makes sense to look at what we do for money that might not be in the best interest of our friends, or our world.

In closing, for all the people whom I have hurt with my profession, I ask your forgiveness.

Ambud

I have to admit, I find this somewhat amusing. I try to imagine the conversations Buddha and Christ might have and seriously think I might end up on the floor rolling with laughter.

What do you suppose the Buddha and Christ might talk about?

“Where have you been Brother Buddha?”, “I have been on a long journey over countless millennia, trying to find the answers of the universe”. “Well that’s kinda silly” says Jesus, “Just ask pop”.

I do understand the intent of the writing: ‘Buddha and Christ as brothers’, any path which leads to peace is a good path, Christian or not. I sort of wonder what Christ would say his religion was , obviously it wasn’t Christianity. In fact, when I look at some of his philosophy, I almost think he was Buddhist.

If you read esoteric Christianity it becomes quite clear that some of the parables Christ used were an attempt to help people understand a complex philosophy, and his message was either misinterpreted or manipulated by what we now call the Christian church.

Many of Christs’ parables seem remarkably Buddhist to me, at least the ones which were shared with the apostles Christ thought of as more enlightened. Which incidentally is why they are now categorized as esoteric. The more enlightened apostles were actually outcast by the apostles with a lesser understanding of the philosophy and this lesser vehicle became the Christian path.

Whenever concepts like emptiness or higher spiritual power are introduced we run the risk of misunderstanding, which could lead some folks to terrible despair. This is why most great spiritual leaders changed up their message based on their audience, I’m sure Christ was no different.

With all this in mind, I must admit, Christ and Buddha might be more closely related than I originally thought.

AmBud, Chasing Nirvana

Loving kindness

Am I crazy for missing the few months following 9/11?

Seriously, I miss that time. I miss it because people stopped for a moment and thought about each other. Everyone seemed to take pause and earnestly attempt to care about and respect each other. I noticed it most driving on the highway on my way to work, and in the grocery store during its busiest time. Everyone was polite and courteous and smiling, it was almost eerie, like I had been transported to some alien planet, but it was also incredible, the overnight transformation was nothing short of miraculous.

The sadness, outrage, and fear of our worst nightmares brought everyone closer together in sync, en masse. What was it we felt in our hearts that freed us from our normally narrow world view? We had a true national moment of connection; perhaps it was even international with the exception of a few countries.

I believe it was the gross equivalent of a massive loving kindness meditation. We were all filled with compassion and empathy for the victims of 9/11 and the result was a tremendous outpouring of Love, and if just for a short time, we were all Buddhists practicing Love and Kindness.

Moments like this give me great hope for the future of our world. While we have since regressed to behavior similar to or worse than that of pre – 9/11, we have the capacity to love. With this notion in mind, we can find our way to peace. Imagine the implications of a society that, like a beauty pageant contestant, wished for world peace. If every heart felt emotion was directed toward that end, a tidal wave of compassion and love would lift the world to the next level, a level never before imagined.

Maybe I am crazy, this does seem very idealistic to me, but what happened once can happen again, right? I’m not suggesting more earth shattering violence or other catastrophes to soften the collective heart of our world. What I am suggesting is that we are capable and we only need to find a way to ignite this intention. We can create the cause that will later manifest as peace and harmony for our world.

Margaret is downstairs making coffee and breakfast for Jim and the kids. Jim wakes to the giggles of his young children, tugging on him to play. He tosses them in the air, big smiles on their faces as they bounce off the mattress, tickling and roughhousing they joyfully begin their day.

Mom calls up the stairs that breakfast is almost ready and it’s time to set the table.

Everyone scrambles downstairs and into the kitchen to the smell of home made waffles. They all pitch in to set the dishes on the table, grab the milk and orange juice and sit down to eat. The breakfast conversation is easy and everyone is eager to participate in this delightful family ritual.

Happy, smiling parents and siblings working together to create a family life we all dream of. Those were the days, or at least I like to think that there were days like that.

Fast forward nearly sixty years to the rush and hurry of modern life where convenience and instant gratification are the new paradigm. Breakfast, what breakfast? And coffee, well that’s something yah grab at the convenience store, or if you’re lucky your local ‘Dunkin Donuts’. We don’t have a ‘Dunkin Donuts’ near our house, so I settle for the almost warm jolt of my local Circle J’s coffee, jump in my car and speed off to work.

As I travel down the road not fully engaged with the task at hand (driving), it occurs to me that once again I didn’t get up early enough to meditate.

I try to shake off the disappointed feeling with a little self directed love and kindness, but it just doesn’t do the trick.

My mind goes over all the excuses, searching desperately for the reason for my undisciplined transgression. Maybe I didn’t sleep well with all the pressure and demands of my job, or maybe it was the hangover from the millionth argument with my ‘So much smarter than me’ teenage daughter about why it’s not ok for her to sneak out the window.

The life of a monk cries out to me, ahh to live in a cave somewhere in Tibet with only my thoughts and the odd moon bear to distract me.

Returning from this fantasy, my mind begins to question how productive such a simple life would be. After many years of living alone and recently getting married to a woman with three children of her own, I’m not sure it would benefit me.

It certainly was easy to believe that I had achieved a higher level of peace until the chaos of our new lives together began to unfold. It’s amazing how easily the mind is convinced of an illusion. The fact that conflict was not as present in my life had me believing I had become better at managing it. This confusion in my mind was quickly remedied with the help of several raucous teenagers.

I’m really not complaining, I realize how wonderful my hectic life is, how wonderful all the distractions are. The opportunity to work with my stuff is very exciting to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to sit back, relax and enjoy the ambiance of the 50’s; blame our crazy, out-of-control society for my inability to discipline my own mind.

But maybe there has never been a better time to be a Buddhist, maybe ‘now’ with all of it’s distraction, hatred, and self gratification, is the best time to actualize patience, tolerance, and compassion. Maybe now is when emptiness is most evident.

So I stop struggling, stop pushing back all the annoyances of my modern life and breathe.

Breathe it all in, feel the pangs throughout my body, watch the anger and resentment bounce around my mind. I look at all the drama I created feeling guilty for not meditating, smiling at the idea that my reason for meditation is to feel peace.